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Monday, May 6, 2013

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Texas Chainsaw 3D, a sequel to Tobe Hooper's 1974 classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ignoring all the sequels and the abysmal remakes by Platinum Dunes. This seems like a dream film for chainsaw fans, a direct sequel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, no Platinum Dunes, no Brad Fuller or Andrew Form and no cross dressing leatherface. What could go wrong? 
The story picks up 10 minutes before the original film ends with archived footage. You see the original deaths from the 70's version as the opening credits roll. The girl escapes in the pickup truck and leaves Leatherface swinging his chainsaw in the air.
Now that's where the good ends sadly.
An officer shows up at the sawyer's house telling the family he wants leatherface, so the film cuts back to the family after their dinner is ruined from the girl running and there are like 10 members of the sawyer family armed with guns and ready for a shoot out. What the? In the original film there were 4 family members at the dinner people, who called this family reunion? Were they hiding up the attic?
So after seeing the cameos of Bill Moseley and the original Leatherface himself Gunner Hanson these redneck town folk vigilantes come in and do a we wanna be a stupider dumbed down version of The Devils Rejects shoot out. After that we are introduced to our main protagonist as a baby. One of the Rednecks takes her and changes her name to Miller instead of Sawyer. 
Heather Miller now in her 20's(?) gets a letter from her deceased grandmother leading her to find out that she is adopted and has acquired a house out of the will. So Heather and her friends go down to the house and I guess party?
Now, here's plot hole #2: Why is Heather in her 20's? This movie is a direct sequel to the original and how they executed it they want you to believe she's 20 but the original took place 1974. So if she was a baby in 1974 WHY ISN'T SHE PUSHING 40? you want us to believe that this is a direct sequel but you can't get your god damn dates right. They go so far as to block out each date in the film its almost embarrassing.
This is not a thinking man's film, hell this makes Leatherface: The Next Generation look like Einstein in comparison. Don't believe me? take this for instance. Our protagonists stop at a gas station to get some food and gas and they meet a hitchhiker, I know hitchhiker reference from the first movie but when they get to the house they leave him there while they go out and get some supplies, when they just met him like 3 hours ago.
The hitchhiker ends up stealing everything in the house and having an untimely death but still.
Want another illogical scenario, after some deaths Heather is in a police office explaining what happen so the police officer gets a call and leaves. Now, I don't think in Texas cops are that fucking dumb to leave a plain old case file open in front of a victim containing classified documents. So, Heather reads the documents and sees all the dates blacked out why!? WHY!? because the fucking producer knew he screwed up the time gap and didn't wanna reshoot anything.
The acting in this film is as good as a Platinum Dunes movie. There was just one character that drove me insane throughout the whole film and that is Trey Songz. That guy's acting talents are about as good as his rapping skills which is non-existent.
The third act of the film is just so bad its almost funny, I won't spoil it here but when you hear the line "Get up Cuz, Do your thing Cuz." I expect you to burst out laughing.
There are so many things wrong here and is so incompetently made it's a hate crime to chainsaw fans. It's actually almost entertaining to a certain degree.
It feels like a fan film
but I think chainsaw fans would actually get the whole time thing figured out.
There is little fun to be had except to laugh at the shitty dialogue, stupid acting, bad writing and god awful story.

1.5 out of 5      

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